Inspired and Encouraged by Strangers - the power of sharing

I was uploading some picture to a wonderful site called AdoptiveFamiliesCircle. Their link is on the side of my blog. This is a favorite photo of mine from our first Christmas as a family of five which brings back wonderful memories for me. It was so great to have Leyla finally home with us. For those who have been through the adoption process, you know the unknown and the waiting are the hardest. I recall how much I enjoyed looking at pictures on this site and on blogs of people who were strangers to me at the time and likely to remain that way when we were waiting for our referral. It made me think of the other strangers who had inspired and encouraged me on this journey.

I recall one day when our adoption agency, WACAP, had a get together of parents waiting for their children from Ethiopia as well as parents who had already brought their children home. When we went through our adoption, the Ethiopia program was still in the “pioneer” stage for our agency so there were many more unknowns. At that meeting, three families who had brought their children home particularly encouraged, moved and inspired me. You see the pictures of these families from WACAP’s site below. The first two had brought home little girls about the same age as we expected to get. Looking at these beautiful children and the clear bond they already had with their families after a relatively short time home was such an amazing sight. Sharing that with those waiting and those wondering if this was calling them was an amazing gift. I felt much less anxious and concerned about the process ahead of us after that meeting.



The third family was a single mom and two older children. She had already adopted 2 children from India who were grown and had won an auction trip to Ethiopia. Through that trip, she came to the conclusion that she was supposed to adopt additional older children from Ethiopia – these children are much less likely to be adopted. Her full story is in one of the publications on the WACAP website. At this get together, she talked of her children’s birthmother whom she had the privilege of meeting while she was there. She had tears in her eyes as she spoke. Her voice was low and soft so her children did not hear details that might pain them. Choices like their birthmother had to make are unimaginable to most of us. The choice this adoptive mother made is also one that most with grown children could not imagine. I was very uplifted and humbled by the gift of sharing her journey this mother freely gave with the people in the room.


When I think about what I can do to make a difference, I often overlook the chance to encourage or inspire someone you don’t even know. As I upload pictures to the AdoptiveFamiliesCircle or to WACAP's website, I hope that our story and pictures might uplift some mother waiting to meet her child, might provide guidance to a father that isn’t sure if adoption is the right path for his family, might reassure some brother who is wondering what it is like to have a little sister who doesn’t look like him, and finally might comfort a birthmother who is wondering if her child is living the life she hoped for her child when she gave them up. And I close by sharing one more favorite photo of our little Seahawks fan at 9 months old - hope it at least makes you smile.

Looking for Sunshine in Seattle

Seattle is quite grey this time of year. Many folks go to sunny warm places to escape it. Looking through family pictures, I found these shots taken of Leyla at one of her brother’s soccer games during a much brighter season. She reminds me of liquid sunshine. She is so naturally joyful. And she brings such joy to those around her. Leyla has changed much since she came home last year. She is talking up a storm and is more little girl than baby. The photos are a wonderful way to capture her essence at each fleeting stage of her life.


It is never far from my mind that so many Ethiopian children don’t make it past their first birthday. It is a truly sobering thought. But one that also makes me want to know how to help change that statistic for the better. Looking around our area, I found a great organization called Blue Nile Children’s organization that is working to do just that. Coincidently, Leyla’s birthplace is close to the Blue Nile which is an incredibily beautiful part of the world.


This organization has found a number of ways of bring sunshine into dark situations. They recently went on a medical mission. Providing basic medical care is filling a huge need and light to dire circumstances. You will find more details in their blog which I am following.


This mission started with a rather unlikely friendship between an Ethiopian woman, Selamawit Kifle, and Richard Oslund, a Mason. He helped raise funds for her efforts while he lived. When he died, he honored their friendship by leaving $46,000 in his will to seed the medical mission. Their dream was realized with the recent opening of the clinic. Although when you read their blog, you will see opening a clinic in Ethiopia is not without many challenges.


It is amazing how much sunshine was shared with one woman’s vision and her friend’s support. They inspired others so the sunshine was then multiplied. These people bring light into my life through their efforts and inspire me to find my own ways to help. I look at my lovely daughter’s sunny face and am humbled every day. She is also an amazing source of sunshine I intend to find ways to spread.

Happy Endings and Starfish

My last blog entry was on my birthday, just about a month ago. This time of year is so busy with holiday planning and activities. I find I am always caught off guard about how quickly everything happens between Thanksgiving and the end of the year. I never quite get to all the things I want to – including blogging. But I am happy to be back . .

Part of my birthday celebration included a lovely quiet Italian dinner with my husband of eighteen years. Our kids are the center of our universe but we still enjoy a little couple time when we can. When we got home, the house was quiet. I was leafing through the mail and saw the newest edition of our adoption agency's quarterly update - WACAP Today (they are available on WACAP's website). I look forward to reading it because the stories included are heart warming and uplifting, not the usual fare you find on the nightly news. One article particularly caught my eye. I saw the familiar face of a severely malnourished little girl looking back at me.


We had seen her when we were in Addis to pick up Leyla about a year ago. I remember her vividly. The head caregiver at the house held her most times that we were there. This little baby girl was so tiny and frail. I was struck by her shrunken cheeks which were a stark contrast to our Leyla’s round cheeks. I inquired about her. I was told that she had just arrived and was likely premature. She had been adopted by a family that was prepared to deal with whatever special needs she might have after her rocky early start to life. The article in this edition talked about how she was doing now after having joined her family in the United States, a number of months before. It was striking to see the change. Her cheeks were now full and her smile infectious. It was an amazing birthday gift to see her smiling face looking back at me and reading about her happy ending.


Sometimes the need you see all around and hear about through the various new sources is so overwhelming. It is hard to know what to do and you know whatever you do will be insignificant in comparison to the need. Seeing this type of amazing happy ending is good encouragement and inspiration. My oldest son shared a story with me some time ago that provides another good perspective. I heard it again recently and was glad for the reminder.

Both my sons (pictured below) love finding starfish, like the lovely purple specimen above, around Seattle where we live.

The Starfish Story
Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean. He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?" The young man paused, looked up, and replied, "Throwing starfish into the ocean." "I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die." Upon hearing this the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."

(Loren Eiseley, a anthropologist, shared this encounter he had on the beach (he was the 'wise man'). See the link to his book on the side if you are interested in reading more.)

It is good to be reminded of happy endings we can have a part in if we choose and that we can all make a difference for someone.

Happy Birthday - Happy Homecoming

Today is my birthday. It is also the day we brought Leyla home from Ethiopia last year. I can’t imagine a better birthday present. Thinking back on that day and the days that led up to it, there were both feelings of joy and expectation for us and bittersweet feelings for those she left behind. We visited Leyla each day while we were in Addis. The day before we needed to return to the states, we were able to take her back to our hotel with us. (It was a wonderful hotel recommended by the Greek Embassy in Addis – you can find a link on the side of the blog. We would highly recommend it.) Going to pick her up that last time, we were filled with excitement. It had been hard to leave her each day although we knew that was best for her transition. Leyla had a regular caregiver who we did not immediately see when she arrived. She was also surrounded by children of all ages who were waiting for their parents to come and take them home. Two other little girls were going with their families on that day.

We were greeted by the director who is an amazing man. He is an Ethiopian lawyer that has focused his considerable talents and energies toward helping the children in his country. He is an inspiration. It is clear he loves each of those children he is charged with and they him. Leyla was dressed beautifully for the occasion. When it came time to take our leave, I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach. Leyla’s regular caregiver came out and it was clear she had been crying. She kissed us all and retreated to her room. It broke my heart. But I reminded myself that is was wonderful that our daughter had been surrounded by such love.

Then it was the children’s turn to say good bye. We had enjoyed playing with the older kids during our visits. There was one little boy of 4 that we were particularly drawn to. He had a smile that lit up a room and was a fierce little soccer player even though the only place to play was the cement drive into the courtyard. He came and hugged Leyla with tears streaming down his face. He them went back to the other children only to come back and hug Leyla tightly a second time and shower her with kisses on her little round face. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes as I watched. I took comfort in knowing that some wonderful family was coming for that sweet little boy soon.

We were subdued in the ride back to our hotel as we were faced with the reality of the loss that is part of every adoption. We loved our daughter already so much but her journey to us was not a simple nor an easy one. We then needed to shift our focus to the preparation for the 33 hour trip back home although the thoughts of the intertwined joy and loss remained. Traveling with an infant who has never traveled that type of distance without knowing their routines or how to comfort them is a daunting task. We worried needlessly. Leyla was a trouper. She wanted to look at everything and seemed to enjoy making eye contact with as many folks as possible.

We arrived on my birthday. Our boys met us at the airport with our friend Jon and flowers. When we came up to our house, Jon was kind enough to take our first picture as a family of five – it is the one above. You will notice that Leyla has her hands firmly in her brother’s hair with a twinkle in her eye. That moment was the first indication of many how well and easily Leyla became part of our crazy family.

After I got home, I couldn’t stop thinking about the 4 year old boy who had been so sad when we left with Leyla. I told the story to my adoption coordinator and asked if she could reach out to his family and see if they would be willing to stay in contact. What I found out amazed me, the little boy was adopted by a family about one hour from our home. We were able to visit them all over the summer. He is doing great and his story is in the blog “Another Markquart” linked on the side. He shares a birthday with his mother – another beautiful connection.

There have been so many on this journey. Another amazing year has passed. I feel so blessed . . which takes me full circle to why I feel compelled to share through this blog and give back. My birthday wish is that everyone find the joy and peace that comes through being part of something bigger than yourself and doing what you can to leave this world a little better place than you found it. Happy Birthday to me!

Out of the mouths of babes

When you choose to adopt a child of another race, you know that your family will be conspicuous. You also know that you will have to address prejudice and ignorance at some point. What surprised me was how quickly we had our first chance to address it with one of our sons. One night I was tucking in my seven year old son and I asked him about his day at school. (He is pictured here with his beloved little sister on Halloween). My boys and I have great conversations as they wind down for the day. I know part of it is stalling but I also believe part of it is their brains processing the events and impressions of the day. He seemed quite upset and said one of his classmates had said something to him that really bothered him. He said, "M told me that I should not have a sister that is a different color than me. I was so happy about the adoption (we were still waiting for his sister at that time) and his comment took some of my joy away." I then braced myself as I asked him to explain that a bit. In the back of mind, I worried that he might ask why did we choose to adopt from another race or that he wished his sister would be the same color.

I was uplifted by his answer, "I wish he could be happy about it like me." I then did what mothers often do. I offered to "help" or "fix." I said, "Why don't I talk to your teacher so she can discuss this with M." He looked me straight in the eye and said very matter of factly, "Mom, he is just a little kid; he doesn't know any better." Humbled by that answer but still in mommy help mode, I asked, "Maybe I could explain to M how his comment made you feel." This offer was also rebuffed with a "Mommy, he is my friend and I should be the one to talk to him." I tucked him in and left struck by the wisdom of his seven year old words. I checked in with him a few days later to see how the conversation had gone. He said, "We had a good talk; now he wants to have a sister of another color too but his mom said no because he already has three sisters."

This exchange has come back to me as I see folks study our family - we range from white, shades of olive brown, and dark brown. I know some of this attention is just innocent curiosity. We have found also that much of this attention is very positive and encouraging. We have gotten support from many we meet. However, there is a small portion of that attention that is negative or disapproving in some form. I believe prejudice is generally learned behavior or comes from not being well informed. I also believe taking the time to reach and educate in a positive way can change someone's perspective. I was very proud of my little boy and he taught me a lot by his approach.

He said he wants to do his part to help the people of Ethiopia. We are planning on putting on a bake sale together to raise money. He is my baking buddy (mostly he likes the tasting part). I think it is never too early to get my kids involved with helping other less fortunate or talking about tough issue. And as I found out, the student can become the teacher too in the process

First Meeting

This time last year we were preparing for our trip to Ethiopia to pick up our daughter. I am finding myself remembering how I felt during those anxious and uncertain months. They were filled with expectant joy but also with so many questions and fears. We first thought we might take our sons with us. We were served with a healthy dose of reality when we found out all the shots we needed to get to protect us from communicable diseases. It was a vivid reminder that much of the world has many more challenges and many fewer opportunties than we have here. We decided that taking the boys at this stage with all the other stresses was probably not the right decision for our family. A family friend, who we found out was also adopted, volunteered to take our boys for the time we were away which was an amazing gift to us. They told us it gave them a way to be a part of what we were doing.

The long flight to Ethiopia by way of Amsterdam gave my husband and I lots of time to think and talk about this journey we had embarked on both literally and the longer path ahead. It is hard to wrap your mind around that your child was born and lives half a world away with a reality so different from our own. Meeting Leyla for the first time was a life altering experience in some ways very similar to the experience with the births of our two sons and in some ways very different. The memory that is most vivid for me was watching my husband’s eyes fill with happy tears when he saw our little girl for the first time. These are some of the photos from our first meeting.

As part of that first meeting, we were treated to a traditional coffee ceremony. It was a wonderful way to meet our daughter and be introduced to a part of her culture. The women wore beautifully embroidered dresses and the floors was decorated with reeds. The smell of fresh coffee roasting filled the air and there was a true sense of celebration.

Legend has it that more than 1,000 years ago, a goatherd in Ethiopia’s south-western highlands plucked a few red berries from some young green trees growing there in the forest and tasted them. He liked the flavour – and the feel-good effect that followed and the rest, as they say, is history. The Ethiopian province where they first blossomed – Kaffa – gave its name to coffee. Ethiopia is the original home of the coffee plant which still grows wild in the forest of the highlands. While nobody is sure exactly how coffee was originally discovered as a beverage, it is believed that its cultivation and use began as early as the 9th century.

The Blue Nile Children’s organization arranges traditional coffee ceremonies as part of their fund raising efforts on behalf of Ethiopian children. It is something I would like to do to share this amazing experience with my friends and family while helping this great organization. Their link is on the side of my blog. If you don't have an opportunity to sponsor a coffee ceremony, consider buying Ethiopian coffee - I have highlighted a few of my favorites. Their economy is very dependent on their coffee exports and it is a small way you can contribute.

Anyway

My elder son was always excited about adopting a little sister. He adores his little brother and wanted to have a little sister too. When we were getting closer to the time we needed to travel to Ethiopia to get his sister, he started to worry. He asked me, “What if I don’t love her like I love my brother?” This is one of the big questions many have in adoption although not all are able to ask it aloud. I assured him that he would love her although it might take time. He persisted, “But how do you know?” Truth was I didn’t. The process of becoming a parent and particularly becoming a parent through adoption is a leap of faith. With our boys being old enough to understand the process, they needed to take the leap with us. After his sister arrived, he no longer worried about loving her. He was completely smitten. But he had a new worry, “What if she doesn’t love me? My brother has to love me. She doesn’t.” Over the months she has been with us, she has shown him that she loves him too – very much. You can see the love they share in this recent Halloween picture. Taking our sons consciously with us has been one of the many amazing gifts of this journey. When you start this process, you have no guarantees about the outcome but you leap anyway.

This same son asked me if a lot of folks followed my blog. I told him honestly that I did not think so but that was not why I was doing it. I did find myself a little disppointed that not many people choose to follow at least publicly. I was at my yoga class recently and the instructor read a poem to the class which was found in Mother Theresa's room. It made me think again about why I was doing this blog. This blog was something I felt compelled to do. I had the same feeling about adopting our daughter. This might just be my journey of discovery and something that I can share with my family. That is enough. I hope you all will "do something anyway." There was real peace for me in the approach to life advocated by this poem.

Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you.
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight.
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them...anyway.