what's in a name

Choosing a name for your child is usually a momentous and often challenging task. When you adopt a child you add a few additional dimensions. These dimensions increase further if your child is from another country and culture. When we choose our eldest son's name, we chose a name we both loved. Some of our original criteria were: 1) the name needed to be of a saint so my son could celebrate his nameday (a Greek tradition to celebrate rather than birthday), 2) the name should be unique but not strange, and 3) the name could not have an easy nickname. (Incidently, my husband has made the most of being a Greek in American and is the only one in the family who celebrates both his birthday and nameday.) We had to work through some cultural issues with my husband's family since Greeks generally name the first born son after the father's father. My father in law's name is Orestes which didn't seem quite right for a child who would be American by birth and Dutch and Greek by lineage. Also, in mythology Orestes kills his mother - not a plus from my perspective.

We chose Dimitri from Demeter, the goddess of nature and the earth. We gave him Orestes as a middle names which led to him having the rather unfortunate initials of DOA which he now embraces as a teenager. One of my best friends who lives in Holland called me when I was pregnant and told me she had the perfect name for me, Dimitri. I laughed and told her we already chose that very name but it gave me confidence we had chosen well. Dimitri is also the patron saint of my husband's hometown of Thessaloni and the name of his godfather's father. All convinced me Dimitri was the name of destiny for our first born pictured below communing with nature after he was told not to since he was recovering from a severely broken arm but apparently the call was too strong to resist.


With our second son, the name did not come as easily although the criteria was generally same except we decided we wanted another name that started with a "d". We settled on Damian Michael (his dad's name). You will see a theme with the middle names; they are all connected to my husband's family. No "drama" on the Greek side for this name since the second son "was supposed" to be named after my father. My folks, who are Dutch, have similar naming traditions (I am named after my pateral grandmother but ironically look like my materal grandmother's side of the family - go figure) but they did not express any opinion on how we named our children. Damian means to tame. And if you met him, you would not think "tame." He has boundless energy and curiosity and often combines the two. We feel like the ones being tamed in most instances. Below is a picture of the tamer dancing to the beat of his own drum - literally.


With our daughter Leyla, it was a family affair. We received her referral picture and had the advantage of seeing what she looked like before we named her. Our criteria varied a bit this time. My husband Michael wanted something that meant "a gift from god." Her birthmother gave her the name Fasika which means Easter and we wanted her to retain that gift. My husband also wanted to name her after his mother Maria. We all wanted an Amharic name to honor her Ethiopian heritage. The boys wanted a name that fit a princess which we all felt she looked like in that first photo. We faced a few challenges with the nameday but use her middle name for Greek holiday purposes. We worked through many possibilities before settling on a three name combination. Adding two opinionated brothers definitely lengthed the vetting process.

Although Dimitri and Damian's favorites didn't make the final cut, both threw themselves into the process and enjoyed learning more about the meaning of different names. We chose Leyla which means "dark haired beauty", Marie for Michael's mother (and a saint) and Fasika for her birthmother. We learned later that Leyla can also mean "change" which is fitting for many different reasons. We call her every combination from using all three, to Leyla Marie or Fasikie, or just Marie. She beams at all but has a hard time herself with saying Fasika. She often refers to herself in the third person as "is Leyla" or "Leyla did it," the later usually when she had done something she shouldn't. Here is a picture of our dark haired beauty from her early months home.


It is interesting to note the Greek connection to the naming of Leyla's homeland. The name "Ethiopia" derives from the Greek ethio, meaning "burned" and pia, meaning "face": the land of burned-faced peoples. Aeschylus described Ethiopia as a "land far off, a nation of black men." Homer depicted Ethiopians as pious and favored by the gods. In Ethiopia's naming tradition, the children take their father's first name as their last name. The first name is usually given by their parents and is significant in meaning to them. On Leyla's visa back to the states as well as her Ethiopian passport, her name was listed as Fasika Michael. My husband Michael enjoyed that quite a bit.

This custom is used to make it easier to identify family groups. Our family group shares a last name, an adverturous spirit while each is a unique and quirky individual. A family friend who had not seen Leyla for bit recently ran into the five of us at one of the boy's many soccer games. She commented as she watched Leyla run, play and laugh out loud as she amused herself (see below), "She is such an Angelidis!!" Well said.

Love - the same but different

We were recently invited to come to answer questions about our experience for a group of prospective adoptive parents. The agency provides a list of likely questions which reminded me of all the ones we had when we were going through the process. As we sat with the five of us in front of the group, there was an awkward silence. .where to start. The facilitator asked us, “Did your daughter have any issues when you first brought her home.” As I was responding that our daughter did indeed have a common Ethiopia digestive issue, Leyla, who was sitting on my lap studying those studying her, passed gas very loudly. Her facial expression never changed. I paused and then added, she still has the occasional digestive issue and the room laughed. Leyla then proceeded to show off her lovely belly by lifting her dress and then moving to stick her hands inside her cute little matching bloomers. My thirteen year old son sitting next to me looked a bit mortified but it definitely lightened the mood.

The parents asked a number of great questions. Then one gentleman asked a series of questions that were a bit unexpected given the fact that our three kids – the two oldest - 9 and 13, were in the room and listening to what was said. He asked, “Do you love your biological and adoptive children the same? Do you pay more attention to the adoptive child? Do your other children get jealous or resent that?” He continue on in that vein for a while. It was interesting to watch many of the other parents squirm uncomfortably in their seats or even seem to tilt their bodies away from this man as if to distance themselves from his questions. I also felt my son sitting next to me sit up a little straighter. I knew he was listening very intently.

When the gentlemen finished, my husband responded with a laugh, “Oh I can answer for me and it’s an easy answer. I love her more and I have already told my sons that!” Half the room laughed and the other looked slightly horrified. My husband is from Greece and is not shy to speak his mind or make a joke. As I explained to this room, in the Greek culture or at least in my husband’s family, I have observed that there was a little truth in what he said but it had nothing to do with adoptive versus biological. In my husband’s family, his sister is his father’s favorite and my husband is his mother’s. And they freely joke about it.

These questions are difficult ones but go to the heart of what makes a family through adoption or biology. I mentioned I read a blog that tried to describe the love you feel if you have both biological and adoptive children. This woman had one of each and said her love for them was both the same and yet different. I agree with that assessment although since I have two biological, I will add it is the same but different for each child. One difference with your adoptive child is you want to make up for what wasn’t right in their past even though at an intellectual level you know that is not possible. But the love you have for them still includes that fierce desire.

I also spoke to the the attention question. My youngest son, who was our baby before his sister came, did mention early on when she was home, “She gets all the good attention and I get the bad.” We talked to him about it then and explained that she was a baby and he had gotten that same type of attention when he was a baby. It didn’t come up again so I asked him some months later if he still felt that way. He looked at me like it was a particularly dumb question as only your kids can, “Oh no, mom,” he said. “I may get a little less attention from you and dad. But I get A LOT of attention from Leyla so it is all good.” His little sister adores him and finds just about anything he does hysterically funny. They share a special bond that includes lots of laughter.

As I am speaking, this son has sat down on the other side of me and is poking me – increasingly harder as I try to ignore him. Finally, I say to the parents, “And as you can see, my kids know how to get attention." As I turned to him and asked him what he wanted to share, I waited with trepidation. This son can say the craziest things and they are not always appropriate for the situation. He started, “I was reading a book about a mother who had a biology –ical and adopted kid. She said that she loved them both the same amount but that the love was different for each of them so I agree with my mom.” Wow – I was humbled and proud. I don’t always know what goes on in his head but he had clearly been thinking about this at some point and found his answer through that book.

As we were driving home, my husband and I talked about what a great experience this had been to go back to talk to parents like us. We were reminded of how terrific our boys have been through this whole process and how much choosing this path has made our family learn and grow in beautiful but sometimes unexpected ways. We also felt we were in a small way paying it forward since our experience has been so amazingly positive.

When you grow up . . .

As a mom, I often look at my children and wonder what they will look like or what they will be like when they grow up. With my biological sons, I look at relatives from my family and my husband’s as sources for part of the answer. Will my son share my dad’s quirky nature? Will my son be fun loving and adventurous like my husband’s favorite cousin? Or will he be a photographer like my favorite cousin? Or more likely which combination of characteristics will they exhibit from an number of people? As they grow and mature, I see different characteristics and tendencies. Their interests, hopes and dreams evolve over time too.

With my daughter who is from Ethiopia (pictured above looking every bit the princess she is in our house), I still see our family in her. .even though she has different biology. I see her younger brother’s love of food, music and dance. I see her older brother’s fascination with the animal kingdom and his sweet caregiver tendencies. I also realize that I can’t know some of the possibilities for her since I don’t know her biological family. To fill in those gaps, I found myself looking at picture of Ethiopians in the news or in my day to day life for potential clues. Occasionally, I see a face or a gesture from one of them that remind me of Leyla. When Leyla was recently home, I saw a lovely model gracing the pages of a magazine I was reading. I thought maybe Leyla will grow up and look something like her. They had a similar bone structure. As I read the article, I was pleased to learn that this model was Ethiopian.

Her name is Liya Kebede and she has an inspiring story. She used her celebrity and wealth to reach back and help those less fortunate in her country in a variety of ways. Liya was born and raised in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. She has commented that the modeling industry in Ethiopia is quite different. For example, in Ethiopia she had to provide her own shoes for a runway show. In 2003, she became the face of Estée Lauder cosmetics, the first Ethiopian in the company's history. Liya is one of a handful of African models featured in major magazines and fashion shows.


In 2005, Kebede was appointed as WHO Goodwill Ambassador for Maternal, Newborn and Child Health. During her acceptance speech for the 2005 UN Day Award, she called out the need for focus on women and children’s issues:

"Every day we hear about the dangers of cancer, heart disease and AIDS. But how many of us realize that, in much of the world, the act of giving life to a child is still the biggest killer of women of child-bearing age? That over half a million die every year? Or that 3 million babies are stillborn? Or that another 4 million die during the first days and weeks of life?"

In 2009, Liya starred in the film-adaption of the bestselling autobiography Desert Flower by former supermodel Waris Dirie. The film recounts Waris's childhood in Somalia, her rise to stardom and subsequent awareness campaign against female circumcision. It premiered at the Venice Film Festival and received a standing ovation.

She founded the Liya Kebede Foundation, whose mission is to reduce maternal, newborn and child mortality in Ethiopia and around the world. Her Foundation funds awareness raising projects as well as provides direct support for low-cost technologies, community-based education, and training and medical programs. In 2009, Liya worked with the Gates Foundation as part of their Living Proof Project. Liya served as a High-Level adviser for the Center for Global Development’s 2009 report "Start with a Girl: A New Agenda for Global Health." She writes for the Huffington Post about maternal and child health. She is part of the Champions for an HIV Free Generation, an organization led by former Botswana President Festus Mogae which advocate for increased HIV prevention and treatment in Africa.

In 2008, Liya also launched Lemlem, a clothing line to help preserve the art of traditional weaving and bring sustainable economic development to Ethiopia. Lemlem, which means “to bloom” in Amharic, features hand-spun, woven and embroidered women and children’s clothing.


For each of my children, I hope they take the best of their biology and their environment to develop themselves into a caring, multi dimensional people that leave the world a little better place than they found it. In Liya Kebede (and Waris Dirie), I see that kind of person. I look forward to the unique journey that each of my children will take. I realize Leyla’s journey will be similar in many ways to her brothers but also include more unknowns for her and me. I hope she will find people to inspire her as she develops into her best self. I can already tell her that she inspires people with her shiny deep black eyes that seek out eye contact and hold it and with her laugh that makes you just want to laugh with her. In addition to my hope for my children that they find people to inspire them, I also hope they will become people who inspire others.

I found a paperweight over the weekend with a great Maya Angelou quote that I intend to give Leyla when she is older:

“Dream. Let nothing dim the light that shines from within.” It’s that light that inspires others, in my humble opinion, and I see it shining in each of my children.

Angels on Earth . ..

I found out recently that representatives from my adoption agency were going back to Ethiopia for a visit with the staff there. I asked if I could include a letter and some pictures of Leyla and our family. As I sat down to write the letter, I thought about what words could I use that could adequately describe how this amazing man half way around the world changed our lives. The pictures below show Ato (which means "Mr" in amharic) Teklu and one of the caregivers with us and Leyla in Ethiopia as well as the WACAP house where Leyla stayed before we brought her home.





Ato Teklu is an angel to us. He is an Ethiopian child advocate lawyer (I have mentioned in previous posts) who works with our agency in Ethiopia. Although he is small of stature, he is an imposing figure in how he carries himself and responds to the needs of his country's children. He is clearly proud of the long and storied Ethiopian history and wants to make sure the children who don’t grow up in Ethiopia get the chances to learn and appreciate it in their new homes. This is his life's calling and it is an inspiration to us and I know many others.

I was not able to put all the emotion, gratitude and admiration we feel for Ato Teklu in the letter because words are inadequate. But here is my effort (including some of the pictures we shared). I hope it inspires you in some small way or reminds you to be thankful for the angels who have come into your life at one time or another.


January 27, 2010

Dear Ato Teklu,

Greetings to you. Leyla continues to grow and bless our lives. We are grateful every day for the wonderful work you and the staff at WACAP house do on behalf of Ethiopian children. We are also trying to honor the gift we have been given by supporting the work you do there as well as raising awareness about the amazing beauty of the Ethiopian country, people and culture as well as the tremendous need of your country.

Leyla is talking a lot, loves music and dancing. She is an adventurous eater who eats all sorts of different types of foods although she has shown a special affinity for Ethiopian food. She is a very funny little girl now. She works to make people laugh and has a wonderful, infectious belly laugh. She enjoys wearing other family member’s shoes and stumbling around. She also follows her brothers wherever they go. She wants to be included and tries to do what they do like playing soccer and basketball. They adore her and will basically do anything for her.

Leyla is beloved in our family and our community. Our families have embraced Leyla into their hearts. She is the only granddaughter on both sides and has a special place within our extended family. She has four adoring grandparents, four loving aunts and one uncle. She also has a wonderful family friend as her godmother. She was baptized in Greece outside of Michael’s hometown this summer. She joined us on a cruise of the Baltics visiting Berlin and Saint Petersburg among other places along the Baltic Sea. Leyla is becoming a world traveler at an early age having already visited 3 continents and about 12 countries. Everywhere we go people comment on how beautiful and happy she is. She spreads much joy just by being herself.

Our house has gained some wonderful Ethiopian artwork including carvings, paintings and needlework since Leyla's arrival. Our lives have also become richer in so many ways when she joined our family. Our family is now a Greek, Dutch, Ethiopian and American one. And we are proud to have such a rich set of traditions to combine into our own.

We hope to come as a family next year to Ethiopia. We would like to visit you and the WACAP house. We would also like to visit Leyla’s birthplace in Bahir Dar. We would like our boys, Dimitri, 12, and Damian, 8, to get the opportunity to get to see their sister’s birth country and learn more about its history and culture first hand.

We look forward to continuing to support your efforts. All the best to you, your family and the staff at WACAP. You remain in our thoughts and our prayers.

Regards.

Inspired and Encouraged by Strangers - the power of sharing

I was uploading some picture to a wonderful site called AdoptiveFamiliesCircle. Their link is on the side of my blog. This is a favorite photo of mine from our first Christmas as a family of five which brings back wonderful memories for me. It was so great to have Leyla finally home with us. For those who have been through the adoption process, you know the unknown and the waiting are the hardest. I recall how much I enjoyed looking at pictures on this site and on blogs of people who were strangers to me at the time and likely to remain that way when we were waiting for our referral. It made me think of the other strangers who had inspired and encouraged me on this journey.

I recall one day when our adoption agency, WACAP, had a get together of parents waiting for their children from Ethiopia as well as parents who had already brought their children home. When we went through our adoption, the Ethiopia program was still in the “pioneer” stage for our agency so there were many more unknowns. At that meeting, three families who had brought their children home particularly encouraged, moved and inspired me. You see the pictures of these families from WACAP’s site below. The first two had brought home little girls about the same age as we expected to get. Looking at these beautiful children and the clear bond they already had with their families after a relatively short time home was such an amazing sight. Sharing that with those waiting and those wondering if this was calling them was an amazing gift. I felt much less anxious and concerned about the process ahead of us after that meeting.



The third family was a single mom and two older children. She had already adopted 2 children from India who were grown and had won an auction trip to Ethiopia. Through that trip, she came to the conclusion that she was supposed to adopt additional older children from Ethiopia – these children are much less likely to be adopted. Her full story is in one of the publications on the WACAP website. At this get together, she talked of her children’s birthmother whom she had the privilege of meeting while she was there. She had tears in her eyes as she spoke. Her voice was low and soft so her children did not hear details that might pain them. Choices like their birthmother had to make are unimaginable to most of us. The choice this adoptive mother made is also one that most with grown children could not imagine. I was very uplifted and humbled by the gift of sharing her journey this mother freely gave with the people in the room.


When I think about what I can do to make a difference, I often overlook the chance to encourage or inspire someone you don’t even know. As I upload pictures to the AdoptiveFamiliesCircle or to WACAP's website, I hope that our story and pictures might uplift some mother waiting to meet her child, might provide guidance to a father that isn’t sure if adoption is the right path for his family, might reassure some brother who is wondering what it is like to have a little sister who doesn’t look like him, and finally might comfort a birthmother who is wondering if her child is living the life she hoped for her child when she gave them up. And I close by sharing one more favorite photo of our little Seahawks fan at 9 months old - hope it at least makes you smile.

Looking for Sunshine in Seattle

Seattle is quite grey this time of year. Many folks go to sunny warm places to escape it. Looking through family pictures, I found these shots taken of Leyla at one of her brother’s soccer games during a much brighter season. She reminds me of liquid sunshine. She is so naturally joyful. And she brings such joy to those around her. Leyla has changed much since she came home last year. She is talking up a storm and is more little girl than baby. The photos are a wonderful way to capture her essence at each fleeting stage of her life.


It is never far from my mind that so many Ethiopian children don’t make it past their first birthday. It is a truly sobering thought. But one that also makes me want to know how to help change that statistic for the better. Looking around our area, I found a great organization called Blue Nile Children’s organization that is working to do just that. Coincidently, Leyla’s birthplace is close to the Blue Nile which is an incredibily beautiful part of the world.


This organization has found a number of ways of bring sunshine into dark situations. They recently went on a medical mission. Providing basic medical care is filling a huge need and light to dire circumstances. You will find more details in their blog which I am following.


This mission started with a rather unlikely friendship between an Ethiopian woman, Selamawit Kifle, and Richard Oslund, a Mason. He helped raise funds for her efforts while he lived. When he died, he honored their friendship by leaving $46,000 in his will to seed the medical mission. Their dream was realized with the recent opening of the clinic. Although when you read their blog, you will see opening a clinic in Ethiopia is not without many challenges.


It is amazing how much sunshine was shared with one woman’s vision and her friend’s support. They inspired others so the sunshine was then multiplied. These people bring light into my life through their efforts and inspire me to find my own ways to help. I look at my lovely daughter’s sunny face and am humbled every day. She is also an amazing source of sunshine I intend to find ways to spread.

Happy Endings and Starfish

My last blog entry was on my birthday, just about a month ago. This time of year is so busy with holiday planning and activities. I find I am always caught off guard about how quickly everything happens between Thanksgiving and the end of the year. I never quite get to all the things I want to – including blogging. But I am happy to be back . .

Part of my birthday celebration included a lovely quiet Italian dinner with my husband of eighteen years. Our kids are the center of our universe but we still enjoy a little couple time when we can. When we got home, the house was quiet. I was leafing through the mail and saw the newest edition of our adoption agency's quarterly update - WACAP Today (they are available on WACAP's website). I look forward to reading it because the stories included are heart warming and uplifting, not the usual fare you find on the nightly news. One article particularly caught my eye. I saw the familiar face of a severely malnourished little girl looking back at me.


We had seen her when we were in Addis to pick up Leyla about a year ago. I remember her vividly. The head caregiver at the house held her most times that we were there. This little baby girl was so tiny and frail. I was struck by her shrunken cheeks which were a stark contrast to our Leyla’s round cheeks. I inquired about her. I was told that she had just arrived and was likely premature. She had been adopted by a family that was prepared to deal with whatever special needs she might have after her rocky early start to life. The article in this edition talked about how she was doing now after having joined her family in the United States, a number of months before. It was striking to see the change. Her cheeks were now full and her smile infectious. It was an amazing birthday gift to see her smiling face looking back at me and reading about her happy ending.


Sometimes the need you see all around and hear about through the various new sources is so overwhelming. It is hard to know what to do and you know whatever you do will be insignificant in comparison to the need. Seeing this type of amazing happy ending is good encouragement and inspiration. My oldest son shared a story with me some time ago that provides another good perspective. I heard it again recently and was glad for the reminder.

Both my sons (pictured below) love finding starfish, like the lovely purple specimen above, around Seattle where we live.

The Starfish Story
Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean. He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?" The young man paused, looked up, and replied, "Throwing starfish into the ocean." "I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die." Upon hearing this the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."

(Loren Eiseley, a anthropologist, shared this encounter he had on the beach (he was the 'wise man'). See the link to his book on the side if you are interested in reading more.)

It is good to be reminded of happy endings we can have a part in if we choose and that we can all make a difference for someone.